Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Not unemployed


I know I need to post. It's been way too long. I keep having ideas, but not sitting down to actually write them out. 

I think I'm having a bit of resistance to writing. In my Life Group, we had the icebreaker question, "What's the best thing that's happened to you this week?" My answer was that people had started to comment on my blog. Which was my not-so-subtle way of telling them I have a blog.
The trouble with telling people you have a blog is that they want to know the URL, and next thing you know they're reading it and telling you they like it. Ack! The horror!

But seriously, there's a little thing called "fear of success" that I think I suffer from. In my case, fear of success means that if I have a success, then people may expect even more from me--and what if I can't achieve more? But good grief. It's just a blog.

I'm still working. I'm very grateful to still be getting a paycheck. But what's happening is, all but 22 people were laid off because we stopped flying. Those of us who remain are just keeping the company on life support while other companies attempt to buy it.

There were several things that had to be taken care of right away, but since then it's mostly been cleaning up, tidying up, going through storage to see what's obsolete and can be discarded... ugh. But what's enervating about it is the feeling of being in limbo. The Twilight Zone, a ghost town, the Hotel California. We feel lucky and unsettled at the same time.

We should have a closing soon, though. Then things will settle down.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The cat who does not walk by herself


Our cat Red has become the talk of the neighborhood—she's the cat who goes for walks along with the family dog. People are always asking me, "Is that your cat?" and, "How did you get her to do that?" The answers are "Yes," and, "I didn't—it was her idea."

Princess Red is our newest cat, but not our youngest. She used to belong to our neighbors, who got her from a shelter. When they moved to an apartment that didn't take cats (or so they said), they asked if we would take her. After all, we already had three cats; obviously we were cat lovers.
 
Four cats seemed like verging on crazy-cat-lady territory... but we hated the thought of her going back to a shelter. And that was right when the economy had hit a point where there were news stories of shelters being overrun with pets from people who'd lost their homes to foreclosure. So we accepted her.
 
The neighbors had complained that she would "get in your face." Well, she does—but only when she wants some petting. If I'm sitting in the recliner, she'll climb up onto my chest—yes, her face in my face—and purr and purr and insist on being petted. However, if I give her what she wants, after a few minutes she's contented and jumps down. She just knows how to ask for what she needs.
 
I know she's had at least two owners before us... possibly as many as four. She was six years old when she came to us. She's had several names too. The neighbors called her "Lady," which was appropriate, but my husband didn't like it and came up with "Red." I'm the one who added the honorific "Princess."
 
Soon after we took her in, she started following me and the dog, Butch, when we left for our walks. At first she didn't follow very far. The neighbors had kept her inside, so she didn't know the neighborhood. But I thought it was cute, so I would encourage her and call her and slow down the dog as far as I could coax her along.
 
Gradually, she followed us farther and farther. Sometimes she fell behind early, if something scared her—a dog, children, lawn equipment—but one day she followed us on our entire walk. And soon after that it was so routine for her that she was waiting at the front door for me to get home from work. Walk time!
 
Like everyone else, I wonder why she does it. Sometimes it's a real workout for her—her legs are so much shorter than mine and even the dog's. Cars and kids and dogs frighten her along the way. But still she persists.
 
Naturally I've gone pop-psych and speculated that she has abandonment issues and doesn't want to be left behind. She cried so piteously the first time I took her to the vet, I was sure she thought I was returning her to the shelter. Especially when she didn't cry at all on the drive home.
 
But maybe that's anthropomorphizing. You would think she'd have gotten over it by now, more than two years after we took her in. And that wouldn't explain her clearly anticipating the walk when I get home from work.
 
Red is at least part Maine Coon, the first cat I've ever had that wasn't a domestic shorthair. I've read that they're more sociable than the average cat. Maybe that's part of ittoo muchshe wants to be included in the fun.
 
A vet once told me that there as many cat personalities as people personalities. All I know for sure is, Red just wants to go. She'll fall behind, but then she'll run to catch up, darting under the dog's leash and letting her tail brush it as if it's a finish line tape, and then she'll roll on the sidewalk for a tummy rub.
 
I guess she just got the cat personality that likes to go for walks. Maybe that's all the "why" I should ask for.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

RAPT

A week ago Tuesday I was RAPT for the first time.

Someone I don't even know gave me a knitting pattern electronically via the Ravelry pattern store. She had read one of my posts about losing my job, and wanted to help make my week better. I love that!!

RAPT stands for "Random Act of Pattern Tuesday," a takeoff on the phrase "random act of kindness." A Ravelry user chooses another Ravelry user, scrolls through their pattern wish list, and purchases one for them.

The consensus is that this idea originated with late blogger and designer Karrie Steinmetz, aka KnitPurlGurl. [This link may fail... there's no telling how long her family will leave the blog up.] Since her unexpected death last November, her readers and fans have been perpetuating the practice in her honor.

So what was I given? The pattern for the beekeeper's quilt by tiny owl knits. Isn't it cute? It's very popular on Ravelry because the work is portable until assembly, and you can make all the "hexipuffs" out of bits and bobs of yarn—ideal for me, since I can get started with leftover yarns I have stored away. (Yarn is NOT in my budget while I'm unemployed!)

Here's my very first hexipuff. I made it with yarn left over from a hat I made for my sister. I actually dyed this yarn, and it was my first dyeing project as well. I have plenty left over from the hat.

 
I confess, when I first heard of Random Acts of Patterns, I thought it was cute, but on the other hand I was a little cynical. OK, I had a bitter thought: "No one's ever given ME a pattern." Yeah, I'm selfish like that.
 
Well, now they have, and now I sort of get it.
 
Maybe when I find a new job, one of the things I'll do to celebrate is send someone a pattern.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Unemployed

I lost my job Friday, January 11, when my employer abruptly went out of business.

Now it's Sunday evening*, and I think it's just started to hit me in the last few hours. I feel heavy, like the Earth's gravity suddenly doubled.

To add insult to injury, I still have to go in to the office tomorrow... a handful of us were tapped to box up files and whatnot. I'd rather cocoon for a day or two. Or on a practical level, get busy searching for a new job. (Not to say I haven't paged through job listings already...)

The usual self-recriminations. The writing's been on the wall; my husband's been bugging me to look for a different job for two years. I thought about it; I did update my resume.

Also, I started this blog, though not quite knowing what for. Because way down deep, I truly would love to build some kind of creative enterprise. Like, say, Heather Ordover of the CraftLit podcast.

I had actually almost forgotten that, I'd stuffed it down so far. But I heard about Seth Godin's new book The Icarus Deception and checked out the audiobook version from my library. I haven't even finished chapter 1 yet, but it reminded me.

And yet.

My husband is on disability. He's trying to start a business, but even once he gets it going he will only be able to work at it part time. We can't get by long without me having a solid income.

It was when I realized he couldn't support us that I started stuffing my desire for something other than the 8-5 grind. His medical issues have required good insurance, and I've developed a couple medical issues of my own over the years.

That said, I'm not sure Godin is saying you have to be self-employed to live the way he's advocating. I hope he will get into how to live creatively in the context of a J.O.B.

And then? how about another curve ball?

I remembered during church today something I heard on the Joni and Friends podcast recently. She interviewed Steve Saint, a missionary who has suffered a spinal cord injury. He said,
...We have to decide in life whether we’re going to write the story, or whether we’re going to let God write the story. And, I decided a long time ago that I’m going to let God write the story. It’s in the tough times that we really have to decide, okay, am I really going to trust God to write my story?
THAT is what I need to do. That's not really a curve ball—that's a relief. Of course I will apply for jobs and do all the other things needful in this situation. But I'll try to remember to do them prayerfully, remembering He's going to give me my daily bread... and He's going to write my story.


*I wrote this on Sunday evening, but didn't post until Monday.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Away in a manger

Surely someone has made this observation before. I just wasn't there for that particular sermon...

The infant Jesus being laid in a manger?

A manger is a container for food.

In John 6:51, Jesus said, "I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh."

Verse 58: "This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate [manna] and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."

He took on flesh for the purpose of sacrificing that same flesh—for our sakes.

That's why the Father made sure the Son was born in a barn... so His first bed would symbolize His purpose in coming.


[Translation: English Standard Version]

Who am I?

This excerpt from a book on creativity caught my eye on Pinterest, of all places.
(from Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon; snagged from Brain Pickings)


















It wasn't the first admonition that caught me, but the second.

"Don't wait until you know who you are to get started."

That speaks directly to me, blogging. This is the second blog I've started—and the second platform I've started it on. (I started holity on a paid WordPress platform... even though I didn't know who I was. But even the pittance I was paying per month didn't seem reasonable when I didn't know where I was going with it.)

My first blog had a focus that started to feel constricting after a while. Especially when I started doubting the underlying philosophy.

There was a time when I thought I DID know who I was. I wanted to be a fantasy writer. I wanted to write trilogies that rated incredible cover art and made you weep at the beauty.

And yet, immediately upon the appearance of my first published short story, I lost all desire to write fiction. (Therefore, it's still my ONLY published short story.)

I have considered the possibility that I succumbed to mere fear of success, but I think it was more complicated than that. Perhaps I'll detail that sometime.

Ten years later, I find myself still not wanting to write fantasy fiction... I don't even read much of it any more. I have tried a couple of other types of writing. And nothing has stuck yet.

Still, I have this conviction that God gave me this talent for words and He wants me to use it. Not only that, but I'm not content to let this talent lie buried.

I've read articles on how to build a successful blog, and none of them say, "Flounder around trying to find your voice and what you're meant to write about." Nevertheless, that's what I'm going to do here.

If you don't like it, blame it on Austin Kleon.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

A lifetime of learning

I took a knitting class this morning... an initiation into the mysteries of the Baby Surprise Jacket pattern by Elizabeth Zimmermann. Just two hours (plus two hours next week), with a local but experienced teacher and three other students in the back room of the local yarn store. Big deal, right?

And yet, I was so excited about it I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

I don't think it's knitting in and of itself. Nor was I beside myself about this baby sweater in particular—I've already knitted and crocheted five projects for the nephew who isn't even born yet. (He'll arrive any day now, though... stay tuned!)

It's just that I love to learn.
And, it's been WAAAY too long since I took any classes in anything.

This is why I've all but abandoned TV in favor of informative podcasts.

I think it's not such a bad thing. And I should encourage it in myself.