Now it's Sunday evening*, and I think it's just started to hit me in the last few hours. I feel heavy, like the Earth's gravity suddenly doubled.
To add insult to injury, I still have to go in to the office tomorrow... a handful of us were tapped to box up files and whatnot. I'd rather cocoon for a day or two. Or on a practical level, get busy searching for a new job. (Not to say I haven't paged through job listings already...)
The usual self-recriminations. The writing's been on the wall; my husband's been bugging me to look for a different job for two years. I thought about it; I did update my resume.
Also, I started this blog, though not quite knowing what for. Because way down deep, I truly would love to build some kind of creative enterprise. Like, say, Heather Ordover of the CraftLit podcast.
I had actually almost forgotten that, I'd stuffed it down so far. But I heard about Seth Godin's new book The Icarus Deception and checked out the audiobook version from my library. I haven't even finished chapter 1 yet, but it reminded me.
My husband is on disability. He's trying to start a business, but even once he gets it going he will only be able to work at it part time. We can't get by long without me having a solid income.
It was when I realized he couldn't support us that I started stuffing my desire for something other than the 8-5 grind. His medical issues have required good insurance, and I've developed a couple medical issues of my own over the years.
That said, I'm not sure Godin is saying you have to be self-employed to live the way he's advocating. I hope he will get into how to live creatively in the context of a J.O.B.
And then? how about another curve ball?
I remembered during church today something I heard on the Joni and Friends podcast recently. She interviewed Steve Saint, a missionary who has suffered a spinal cord injury. He said,
...We have to decide in life whether we’re going to write the story, or whether we’re going to let God write the story. And, I decided a long time ago that I’m going to let God write the story. It’s in the tough times that we really have to decide, okay, am I really going to trust God to write my story?THAT is what I need to do. That's not really a curve ball—that's a relief. Of course I will apply for jobs and do all the other things needful in this situation. But I'll try to remember to do them prayerfully, remembering He's going to give me my daily bread... and He's going to write my story.
*I wrote this on Sunday evening, but didn't post until Monday.